Saturday, January 24, 2015

The Harbinger of Change

Week #1

She smiles as her childhood friend comes fluttering back - does it foretell change, is she missing the point?

Yet again, she finds herself caught in the middle of an all familiar blazing inferno starring at the faceless intruder; the nemesis who sparked the fire that consumed her lifeline and scarred her soul. The all consuming void that stole her sleep years ago and continues to rob her peace of mind ever since. Inevitably, she loses to that form which emerges out of the fire; he is the enemy - death himself or so she has been conditioned to believe. The fear is palpable, the pain still feels raw and hatred very real. She is not alone in this hatred, for many have lost like she has - each one alive to speak of their nightmares which have dragged on for years, dragging along their bedrugged lives along its spiteful path fueled by the false claims of Thakur and his men; innocence burns in the fire of their making. 

But truth invaribly finds ways of catching up. Maamisa, the one who has kept the light alive inside little Paro when everything threatened to go dire- reminds her yet again that fire has different forms; it's not always the all consuming destructive force that leaves behind a trail of ashes but its the same that lights up the havan kund or provides warmth on cold winter days, or the sun that lights up our lives. 

It is the same fire that will light up her life soon. And some more fortuitous words, you may run, you may hide but when it's time, he will find you amidst the darkness and light up your life. But what if that light burns too bright? Will its intensity burn her or will she thaw that fire and tame its trail of destruction? 

Paro's marriage although very real may well end up being a mirage and nothing but a stepping stone further into the throes of hatred. May be that's why, she can't shrug off this anxiety but Paro does not question, or seek, she simply goes with the flow. She has no reason not to.

However, it seems that life has other plans for Paro. Just when you think, the chosen groom is headed her way with promises of happiness, the winds bring in Rudra instead. Riding along the barren landscape, its hard to differentiate which is drier, his heart or the arid land he traverses like some nomadic man. True to his name, he carries within him a silent storm. His ruthlessness is apparent in the brazen way he kills, and walks across the sands colored in blood. A man with a frozen heart who guards his inner vulnerability by this tough mask he wears. A man who kills and walks away.

Both of them had a tough childhood losing people that were too close to let go so soon. But while,  good Samaritans kept the light alive in her, the  very light was rudely snatched away from him, leaving behind this dark core that simply soaked in more. What does he have to offer to her besides this darkness? Or is it the other way around - Will she liberate him from its hold instead? Will Parvati destroy the fear that keeps Rudra hostage and give life to the corpse who traverses the lands like a lifeless being?

Paro dreams of a simple man with a kind heard. Destiny brings forward a complex man with a frozen heart. And in the whirlwind that ensues, amidst the plotting and the planning, they find themselves at the opposite ends of the warring factions. 

Entwined with the enemy. 

A beautiful woman belongs to no one. Words spoken years ago and by now etched into his psyche. Love is an alien emotion, he does not believe in.

He is the enemy, for he is part of the BSD- the fire that consumed the funeral pyres all those years ago, the same fire that scarred her soul. 


That night however, the faceless man in Paro's nightmares finally had a face, it was him. 

Darkness (Mala)

The image of Mala as she lay there on the floor all broken was very telling. This one is for her. 
I wrote this after the last scene on Wednesday's episode before the Thursday episode aired. After the watching the episode I'm not sure that Mala even realizes how she has harmed her son.
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Darkness
05/28
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I close my eyes and seek refuge in the darkness of my own making trying to weave together all the little pieces of memories that I hold in my palms so that it brings light into my world. Every attempt takes me a step closer but never quite there...

Strange how the darkness within the crevices of my mind lends me a canvass to attempt this while the light of the day robs me of the same. I don't know if I wake up when I close my eyes or whether I've been sleeping all along with wide open eyes, I don't know. I simply know now, I've lost everything and I have no one but myself to blame.

But even in this despair, your voice comes through from far distant corners sending tiny tremors of joy in my colorless world and me give me hope. Are you still the same today - my little boy full of joy?

My body feels weary and tired, bruised and battered as I lay here disgraced, fallen in my own eyes. Strangely the physical blow feels nothing to what I feel in my heart - the pain as it cuts through my soul. Weighed down by everything, falling seems appropriate for me. 

I've blocked all images of things that don't matter, like the man I was tied to, or your father and even other people whom I've met along the way. The life that I've lived, was a lie I know now and that tells me, I don't know whats real anymore. Except you - the only truth in my life, and ironicaly I've hurt you the most. 

I wish to die but I cannot do so until I apologize to you, for everything that I've done and for all the times that I wasn't there. Will you ever forgive me? Will you listen to me, if I try and explain?

I don't even know what you look like today. That perhaps is my biggest punishment, if you were to stand before me here now, I'd still have no idea, its you!


Son will you ever forgive me, if you see me today? Can you be the bigger person...than your mother ever was?